Hey, it’s me… the cop that’s been driving behind you this whole time. And I know what you’re thinking: “Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.”
Stop freaking out! Though you’re unsuspecting and utterly inexperienced in the ways of police harassment, there’s no need to fret young Caucasian. You can stop checking your seatbelt. Hell, you’re doing the correct speed limit! And I know that… But that’s not gonna stop me from driving suspiciously close behind you on this interstate highway.
And maybe I’ll maintain this intimidating distance for no reason other than because I want to.
I know I’m not above the law! But I enforce it, pal, and isn’t that kind of the same thing?
DOES YOUR LICENSE EXPIRE THIS MONTH? Haha. No, you’re good until December. I already ran your plates. Running peoples’ plates is a full-blown hobby of mine. I mean, if it turns out you’re a felon and I pull you over and take you in, do you have any idea how many high fives I get back at the station? A LOT. The answer is a lot of high fives.
But you’re good. I mean, Christ, it looks like you haven’t even gotten so much as a parking ticket. But I’m bored. Since the chief transferred me to the ‘burbs last summer I get more excitement out of going home and watching reruns of Sabrina the Teenage Witch than I do on patrol. Salem Saberhagen is so sassy! He’s got so many one-liners… And I know he’s probably an animatronic cat because real cats don’t talk but when you’re watching him it’s like you don’t even notice!
Dispatch just got back to me. The car you’re in is registered to one Debra Carpenter. Who’s Debra? Could be anyone. Is that your mother? Debra sounds like a mom name and I don’t know any mothers that own a Subaru WRX. To be fair I’m not friendly with many mothers, but now I’m suspicious.
We’ve had a few cars stolen in this county over the past year, you know… And as I said, I’m bored. Sucks, I don’t think I have enough to pull you over right now. Maybe I’ll continue following you and see if you drift slightly into the other lane on this big curve coming up. HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING? No, you’re driving fine. Too bad that’s not gonna stop me FROM PUTTING MY HIGH BEAMS ON! Sorry–kidding! I’m a funny person. People tell me I’m a funny person.
Okay, excuse me as I whip around you at a threatening speed and blatantly cut you off. My sirens are on now so I’m allowed to drive like this. By now I’m sure you can tell I’m not pulling you over. Also, in about 30 seconds, I’ll be so far away you probably won’t even be able to see my lights. But did I make your heart jump? Did I? Cool, yeah, that’s what I was trying to do. That’s so fun.