When I was your age, brother, we had Snapchat. We still do, but also… we had it then. And for a brief moment in time, Snapchat didn’t notify your lovely lady friends when you were taking a screenshot of their lovely lady parts. It was well before your time. Well before you had a smartphone. Well before you had that iPhone, at least. And my god, what a time it was!

But now is YOUR time, Jason. Welcome to the Sigma Phi Epsilon chapter at Yale University – and these must be your parents! It is so great to meet you two, let me show you where your son will be staying for the semester. Bud, you’ll be rooming with Martin – he’s also a freshman so he totally sucks. Haha no… in all seriousness, though, this is my last semester here so just to keep up appearances there’ll be very little communication between the two of us after your mommy and daddy leave. Excuse me folks; but seriously, Jason, don’t get too shaken up if I razz you real good in front of the other guys. The physical and emotional abuse I impart on you while you’re here is completely necessary, as is the strong language I’ll be using. I need to keep the guys’ spirits up! Finals week, man! Haha, who knows! Maybe as soon as she leaves, I’ll speak the opposite of kindly about your mother! Pardon me, ma’am.

As I was saying, though… it was a different time. And never was my photo app so fully stocked with pics of my girlfriend’s undercarriage and maybe also a couple pics of that girl who I met on the quad at four in the morning that one time after I had just vomited in my lap and was violently frisked by campus security guard because I tried to sell them “pot.” But it was only a joke, man. Only a joke. You’d probably never understand… it was 2012.

Listen to me, Harold. Right, sorry… Jason. I want you to have this. It’s yours now… I no longer need it. Give me a hundred bucks? Well, I just bought the 6 Plus, what do I need that one for? Okay fuck, give it back then, I’m sure Martin will take it. Where was I? …Ah yes, now is YOUR time. You’ll need to find – and it won’t be easy! I’ve tried! – other ways to save the photographic images of a young thing’s things during this dark age in collegiate history. But I have faith in you! You’re smart, Harold. Hell, look where you are! I have the utmost confidence that I’ll be the first you’ll run to when you do find a way. But just remember this… if you remember none of the other pearls I’ve lobbed your way, remember this! Don’t you ever – I don’t care how drunk you are! – EVER screenshot a Snapchat video! That shit comes out so blurry.

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