An Average American Adolescent’s Descendants

People are always saying to me, “oh my god, privileged and handsome Caucasian, you are so culturally diverse and, also, handsome. What nationality are you?” Here’s your answer, chumps:

75% French/Italian/Scottish/Irish/English/German? – Okay, let’s be honest… my grandfather came over here on a boat with no possessions. He was a victim of great prejudice in this country for the majority of his life. This, of course, is different from the Hispanic family on my block that I speak very poorly of at the dinner table because I heard from my neighbor that they’re using food stamps which is wrong because they’re using government resources and probably don’t even pay taxes. My grandfather was a pickpocket.

15% Canadian – I don’t know much about these relatives. They never call. I think one of them is a girl.

6.5% American – One of my Aunts was born in Ohio (I think).

2% Poltergeist – I’m convinced that a distant cousin of mine = a ghost. This one lamp in my bedroom flickers constantly.

1% Native American – Aren’t we all? I just feel like I’m somehow related to the Disney Princess Pocahontas, you know? I love that movie.

0.5% White (Caucasian) – Maybe?? … Haha no, both of my parents are white.

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