A Modern Retelling of Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Once there was a cottage. This cottage was located in a wood (a wood is like a forest but old-timey). Inside the cottage lived three bears; there was the little baby bear, a momma bear with a vagina, and a large papa bear. Okay just remember that this is a fairy tale though, so it’s totally cool if these bears live in a cottage and not in a cave or some shit. Anyway, these three bears each had a bowl for their porridge. A small bowl for the tiny bear, a medium sized bowl for the momma bear, and a great, big bowl for the papa bear. And they each had a chair of their own (again corresponding to their size) and separate beds (because momma and papa bears’ marriage was no longer what it used to be).

The bears had just picked up new mattresses about a week ago and caused quite a scene in Sleepy’s I’m assuming, but they splurged and went with some Tempur-Pedic ones. Those beds were great. (So great.) Momma bear, of course, cited the fact that one spends most of their lives in either their shoes or their bed and seeing as they were bears and needn’t wear shoes, this was an absolutely necessary purchase. But now the bears were going out for a walk to let their porridge cool and while they were gone a young blonde girl named Goldilocks stumbled upon their cottage. I only know this chick’s name because she dated my little brother their senior year. (What a honey.)

She started snooping around, looking in windows, and peeking through the keyhole. Once she was confident that no one was home, she walked through the front door which was unlocked because everyone knows bears are careless. When inside, she noticed the sweet smell of porridge. Goldilocks went to the kitchen and peering into the bowls of porridge exclaimed, “OH MY GOD! What is this?! This looks so gross! I’m not gonna eat this,” in her solemn tone. Exiting the kitchen, she strolled through the family room and, noticing no television, made no attempt to sit in any of the bears’ chairs.

Quickly finding her way to the bedroom, she was “like not even a little bit tired,” but was nosy and so touched one of the beds anyway. That bed just happened to be the papa’s and, upon realizing it was Tempur-Pedic, Goldilocks finally had a change of heart concerning her state of drowsiness. (It was so soft!) Falling fast asleep, she was woken with a start nearly an hour and a half later. The bears were home but she was utterly unaware of this because blood was streaming from her scalp down into her eyes. I’m just going to tell you right now how incredibly lucky that girl is because, after the awful mauling, she made a miraculous recovery. And today she still tells the story of those “terrible creatures,” but I mean, come on, those were bears and this isn’t a fucking game.

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