Edward Scissorhands was My Gynecologist

Or: How I Learned to Walk Again (a motivational speech)

Thanks to all of you ladies for coming out today! I know it was pretty gloomy outside so you girls ROCK! My name is Patricia Roden and I’d like to welcome you all to the DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel of Downtown Milwaukee Convention Center! This is a very big speech for myself because this is actually the first event I’ve been a part of in Milwaukee County. No more speeches in Kenosha County for this girl! Haha no but they’ve always been incredibly supportive of me there. But I just wanted to say one more big thank you to the Tabernacle Community Baptist Church over on Medford Ave for helping to organize this whole thing.

I guess where I usually begin and where I should probably start today is with the day that I discovered I was pregnant. And I knowww how every woman always describes it as one of the happiest days of their lives and that is EXACTLY how it was for me too! This was going to be my first child and I wanted to do everything right. I had so many questions! So my wonderful husband Timothy and I decided the first logical thing to do would be to find an OB/GYN for myself. Only the best gynecologist would suffice in the delivery of my baby and hell if I wasn’t going to find him! Haha I’ve always been so lucky in that I have always had the best girlfriends. So after a quick 18 holes we met up at the Center…That’s what we call the big building right in the middle of our country club. Very meta. I love it! Now the ones that had had children before gave me a ton of great advice on what to expect and which doctors they thought most worthy of delivering my child and the ladies that had never had children before did a lot of constructive head nodding.

Afterwards, Tim and I met with a few of the OB/GYNs my girls had suggested and eventually we decided on Dr. Edward Scissorhands. This decision was swayed greatly because of the amazing furniture Dr. Scissorhands had in his reception. Ethan Allen can really cloud a helplessly attractive, middle-aged woman’s vision. I’m obviously not talking about myself in this scenario… Oh who am I kidding! That was me! Anyways, I’m sure you’re wondering: Patty, why on earth would you go to a gynecologist who has scissors for hands? And is the baby okay? And why would you do that? And why are you always wearing the greatest scarves? So to make a long story short; no, I did not take the baby to term.

In the beginning, I guess you could say his handling of my lady parts was slightly incredibly painful but toward the end of the second trimester is when I saw the first red flag. That was when he told me that he had performed an “accidental abortion,” but that it wasn’t anything to freak out about. So I didn’t freak out, not until almost a week later when I told my husband what Dr. Scissorhands had said and Tim explained it to me. That was not a great night, but Timothy took me for a pity brunch the next morning so that certainly softened the blow. Life for us slowly went back to normal after the pro-life letters slowed down. It’s still kind of hard sometimes tho- STOP! What are you doing? NO! NO DON’T TOUCH ME! Let me finish. Please. NO DON’T TOUCH ME YOU! I’ll call the cops. I WILL! Oh so help me god. I AM NOT GETTING PAID FOR THIS SO YOU HAVE TO LET ME FINISH MY SP- (mic cut).

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