LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT ABOUT FRUIT, OKAY? (2012)

The following is a sketch I wrote while studying at the UCB Theatre in NYC. Enjoy!

CHUCK is a waiter at a swanky uptown restaurant. However, there is a special event going on tonight and he is stuck walking around with an hors d’oeuvres tray. Holding the tiny appetizers in front of him, he approaches an older couple.

CHUCK

Hello, how are we tonight? May I interest you two in some delicious stuffed bell peppers?

LOUISE

Oh yes, those look scrumptious. Bell peppers are my favorite vegetable!

CHUCK

Um. I’m sorry. What was that?

LOUISE

I said bell peppers are my favorite vegetable.

CHUCK

… could you just repeat that sentence back to me once more.

LOUISE

I’m sorry, I don’t think I know what you’re getting at. All I said was that bell peppers are my favorite vegetab-

CHUCK

Okay! Now I’m positive you have no clue what you’re talking about. Ma’am, bell peppers are a fruit!

LOUISE

Oh that’s right. Silly me, I always forget about-

CHUCK

Oh that’s right silly m- Noooo. Does it really look like I, the one-time leading botanist of the Greater Tallahassee Area needs the approval of some washed up gold digger?! Yeah right! The answer is no.

THEODORE

Okay son, we get it. We made a mistake. We know bell peppers are a fruit but I really think you need to slow down and-

CHUCK

Noooo. I don’t need to slow down. You know who really needs to slow down? The watermelon. It is by far the fastest growing fruit, but can be one of the most difficult to harvest due to its bulk and size.

THEODORE

Alright buddy, can you please stop pestering us? You are quite rude, big headed, and-

CHUCK

Noooo. Compared to the Dole Food Company, my head is minuscule. Dole is the world’s largest food company. And in case you were wondering, yes, Chiquita International is the leading distributor of bananas in the U.S.-

(Theodore and Louise start ignoring Chuck and begin walking away from him. Chuck continues to badger the couple)

THEODORE

Goddammit! What is wrong with you? Stop following us.

CHUCK

Noooo. You don’t understand. If I really wanted to follow you I’d be much better off being a lime! They are very similar to the lemon but are smaller and therefore more dense. It’s because of this that they are able to roll greater distances when they fall from their tree.

THEODORE

Okay. That is it! We’re leaving! You are crazy and clearly obsessed with fruit! (to Louise) Honey, I’m going to get the car.

(Theodore heads for the front door, but Chuck is close on his tail)

CHUCK

You can’t run away from the fruit! The fruit is the truth!

(Chuck jumps in front of Theodore and blocks the door)

CHUCK

Look. I get it! You seem very on edge; you’re getting older and I’m sure it’s less fun in the bedroom-

THEODORE

Okay shut it! Shut your mouth, that’s none of you’re business!

CHUCK

If it’s a problem with libido, that’s nothing a little pomegranate can’t fix. And on top of that, pomegranate trees bare bright red flowers which are 3cm in diameter, so they’re pretty to look at too!

THEODORE

… it goes deeper than that.

CHUCK

Good, see we’re getting somewhere.

THEODORE

It’s more of an emotional thing. I think we need to see a marriage counselor. I love her it’s just…

CHUCK

I think I understand. Let me tell you a little bit about fruit, okay? If it’s the taste that’s bothering you, all you have to do is get her to eat some pineapple on a regular basis. If she does, trust me, her nether regions will never taste like fish again.

THEODORE

Excuse me?!

CHUCK

Oh, my apologies, I’ll elaborate. You see, the pineapple carries out CAM photosynthesis, fixing carbon dioxide at night and storing it as the acid malate and then releas-

THEODORE

NO!! You do not speak of my wife in such a way! Where is your manager?!

CHUCK

Okay. Okay. Calm down, I’ll find him. Everything’s cool, man.

(Chuck moves away from the front door and heads towards the hostess’ podium)

CHUCK

Marty! Excuse me, Marty sir, could I just grab you for a second?

(Before they reach the podium, Theodore grabs a small hors d’oeuvre off a tray moving past him and gobbles it down)

CHUCK

Yes. Hey Marty, this customer would like to speak to you.

(Marty is a burly, unattractive man)

MARTY

What can I help you with, sir?

THEODORE

Well, I have a serious complaint, but first let me tell you that the tomato and mozzarella I just tasted has to be the most perfect marriage of cheese and vegetable I’ve ever tasted in my life. But to get to the point, this waiter here! He has been disrespectful towards my wife and I the entire evening!

MARTY

What the hell did you just say to me?

THEODORE

It’s true! I’m not lyin! This man has not left us alone the entir-

MARTY

No. No. No. Before that.

THEODORE

About the cheese and veg-

MARTY

You BITCH! Tomatoes are A FRUIT!!

BLACKOUT

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