A Psychic’s Open Letter to a Bookmark

Dear Bookmark,

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have a right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you- nah I’m just kidding… But you are in trouble, and in GREAT danger, I might add.

There really is no way to sugarcoat this, your days are numbered. You’ve been such a sport these past few centuries but the truth is, times are about to get rough. And I’m not talking being stuck in that copy of ‘The Old Testament’ and forgotten in the bedside table of that shitty Best Western right off exit 27 of the I – 95 in Dunsville. I’m talking about the decline and the unavoidable collapse of the publishing industry.

You’re no stranger to struggle though, Bookmark, and I’m aware of that. For years you’ve put up with competition from torn off pieces of newspaper and receipts from Urban Outfitters. But don’t fret ol’ pal! Their days, too, are coming to an end.

And it’s easy for one to blame Kindle and point fingers at “the internet,” but you can’t grow bitter with such things, the issue furrows much deeper. Hell, take for example when i went to community college. We used online textbooks. I mean that was a COMMUNITY college for fucks sake. What hope do you have in those Universities??

I mean, to be fair, when I was in high school we used actual textbooks, but I didn’t actually crack those books so there was no real need for you either. But that’s neither here nor there.

I MEAN JUST YESTERDAY I SAW THIS KID DOGEARRING HIS COPY OF ‘THE GIVER!’ WHAT’S THIS WORLD COME TO? Don’t worry though, he was taken care of. Not inappropriately or anything, he had what was coming to him. i just smacked the book out of his hand as he was leaving Pinkberry. His mother shot me a hostile (yet approving) look and I know I did the right thing.

Listen, I don’t know what else to tell you, you’re played out.* On the plus side, you’ll always have a small place in the niche world of people who also still use typewriters and listen to pop songs on record players.

And although I foresee in the not-so-distant future that you’ll be obsolete, I also foresee that you’ll give birth to a set of twins and that the San Diego Padres will win the 2047 World Series. That’s only because I have a day job as a psychic and I do apologize for letting my work overlap into one of my favorite leisurely activities of writing letters to inanimate objects but i really must be getting back to work.

I have a Tarot card reading at 3 and i am NEVER late so I bid you adieu and leave you with this parting advice: “Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.” It was Muhammad Ali who said that. Also me. Just now.

Jameson Doris

*like Crumbs

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