A Sexually Frustrated Sunflower’s Email to Jesus Christ

To: lil’yahweh@aol.com

From: sunnyboi@gmail.com

Subject: come on brotha…


Hey. Hey man.. What the fuck?? You haven’t been returning my calls. So here’s hoping you’ll give me the respect of responding to an email. Oh and by the way, making your phone number the same as the sales line for Segway? Genius. No one buys those goddamn things anymore! It was a fad, baby. Just like Crumbs. But anyway, the reason I’ve been reaching out to you is because I wanna get me dick wet.

And I know you’re gonna come back at me with the classic line, “but you don’t have a dick, mr. flower.” This is really just where my complaint begins… Bees?? What is that shit about man?? I fuckin hate bees! I cannot stand having those things grindin up on my face constantly. Pollination is bullshit!

All I’m asking for is a little flower pussy (which you’ll also have to create) that I can stick my flower dick in! I don’t know what my foreflowers did to offend you but to deny me sex?? Fucked up man. Real fucked up. I mean, I was the high school quarterback! I would’ve been rolling in it! Unfortunately there’s no such thing as a flower vagina, so now what am I supposed to roll in? Jesus Christ, I’m sitting here with my metaphorical dick in my metaphorical hand!*

Please take my inquiry seriously. Thank you and I look forward to your response.



*muthafucka how I’m supposed to finger my girl?

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