A Passive-Aggressive African Lion’s Strongly-Worded Letter to His Zookeeper

Bronx Zoo

2300 Southern Blvd

Bronx, NY 10460

Dear Harold,

I hope this finds you well. It was so great getting to see you yesterday when you put that food in my enclosure and then left (without saying a word to me). It’s fine though, I’m not upset about it. I am not upset about it. Quite honestly, I’ve gotten used to it.

I’ve been meaning to have a word with you for some time now, and seeing you can’t give me the time of day, I found it appropriate to send you this letter. You must forgive me for borrowing this lovely parchment from Karen. I am aware that she’s the Zoo Director, but you have to give me credit for not going over your head with these complaints:

1. Continuing on the topic of food… is there anything we can do about that? I feel like I’m usually fed the same thing. This feeling stems generally from the fact that I’m usually fed the same thing. Also, when my food is served to me it’s usually dead. I enjoy killing things.

2. Is there any way I could borrow your copy of ‘Blackfish?’ I feel like I can relate in many ways to Tilikum’s story. Either that or ‘Matilda.’

3. Would it be possible to bring a lioness by occasionally? It’s a real sausage fest in here and don’t get me wrong, I love these guys but we’re living in some tight quarters here. I have needs, Harold. And they are NOT being met.

4. May I have my Macbook back please? My mother said she’d email me some pictures of my new cousins who are also lions but are lions who roam freely across the Serengeti and are happy and are not in a zoo.

5. Can I leave?

These are just some issues I felt I needed to bring to your attention. I hope you weigh them seriously and I await your response.

Yours,
Marcus

PS- I know you’ve been intercepting my Hustler subscriptions.

One Comment

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  1. This is beautiful. Thank you.

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